I was born in 1971 to father whose middle name is not James and a mother whose maiden name was not Singh. Neither of my sisters are named Stephanie and I don't have a step-brother called Frank.
As a child I never collected stamps or toby jugs and, although I owned and played with several Star Wars figures, I didn't have enough to call it a collection.
I didn't spend many a happy hour collecting flora and fauna to paint and though my paternal grandmother's name was Ethel, she was never strict.
My school had no drama department so I was unable to perform in my first seven plays there.
After leaving school I didn't have a job in a publisher's, library, fruit stall, chicken factory, brewery or florist and have regrettably never worked as a chimney sweep.
My first forays into the world of show business were not in a heavy metal band called 'Up and Over' or a comedy double act called 'Chalk and Cheese'.
After breaking into film and television acting, I didn't appear in two short films called 'The Crayon, the Cabbage and the Smelly Shirt' or 'The Happy Life of the Deodorant
I have never donated thousands of Euros to charities for the blind, though I don't like to talk about it.
Nine years ago I married a woman who was never a chef and am delighted to announce that we are not expecting our third child this summer.
I have never been a vegan, a Green Party activist, or a keen basketball player and (unlike the researchers from The Andrew Marr Show) I never believe a word I read on Wikipedia.
-MACKENZIE CROOK, 2010